DEATH BECAME A SOLUTION FOR ME

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By Valencia Legodi

Thandeka Mtshweni (27) was born in Mpumalanga in a polygamous family; her father married her mother because the second wife could not have children. Her father took his life while her mother was pregnant, his family accused her of trying to deceive them and cheating their son, they even denied Thandeka as their own.

Her mother moved on with her life after her husband’s passing, she met a man and moved in with him together with her children. Few months later his behavior changed towards Thandeka, he became sexually attracted to her and ended up molesting her. She told her mother about what her man was doing to her, but her mother did not believe her and that tore her apart. “I hated her so much, it felt like she chose her man over me and what hurt me the most was that she did not see the pain I was going through as a child” she said

Thandeka moved in with her aunt, but her cousin was not happy about that. She would insult her, call her names and make her believe that she was worthless and ugly. Her hurtful words did not just make her loose her confidence and self-esteem but they wounded her within. As if dealing with her cousin was not enough, her peers at school also made her life difficult at school, they mocked her and bullied her every chance they got.

All that abuse became too much for her, she overdosed pills with the intention to ease the pain and fortunately she did not succeed in taking her life. When she went to university things got worse, she fell in with a guy and fell pregnant. Her boyfriend denied the child and suggested abortion; she refused to do it and vowed to take care of her child. Later she found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her with her cousin, she felt betrayed because he knew what her cousin continuously put her through.
During her pregnancy she had no support from friends and family and going through the pregnancy alone took a strain on her, she felt cursed and neglected. “I felt as if history was repeating itself because I was denied before I was born, I regarded myself as a mistake and a bad luck. Worse part was that my child was going through the same route as her father denied her too” Thandeka said.

After she gave birth she was diagnosed with major depression, the thought of raising the child alone and being cheated on by her boyfriend made matters worse. She thought of killing herself and the baby, she almost consumed red poison, but she did not go through with it because of her child’s innocence and words of encouragement from her friend. After failing to kill herself several times she decided to seek help from a psychologist, but was later referred to a psychiatrist. 

She was admitted at the psychiatric hospital and seeing all those troubled people made her realize that she did not belong there, she was later discharged and given medication which she is still taking today.

When a person is depressed suicide often becomes a solution, some succeed in taking their lives and some do not. Families and friends need to be supportive, be good listeners and not the ones that pass judgement, advises and words of encouragement could go a long way. Like a wise man once said “challenges are not meant to break you down, they are there to help you discover the courageous person within you”, refuse to be defeated and speak up!

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